I was supposed to be asleep. Everyone in the house was. But for me, sleep had come and gone. My thoughts travelled to many places but they landed to the previous Sunday, Mother's Day, and how my view of the day, and being a mother, has changed in the last few years.

Some of my earliest recollections encompass wanting to be a mommy or pretending to be one. There were the baby dolls that were fed, dressed and redressed, changed, rocked, comforted and pushed around in a carriage. There was one particular cat that even allowed me to put doll clothes on it and push it around in the carriage. Over the years my choice of future vocation changed but one thing remained constant: my desire to be a mom.

Then came reality #1 of my life: I was alone. I had lots of guy friends but seldom dated. A good friend told me once that I was the type of girl that gus marry, not date. What a comfort! Finally, in God's perfect timeing, my datelessness and aloneness ended in 1991.

Then came reality #2 of my life: I couldn't get pregnant. Somehow this was never part of my childhood fantasies. I was crushed, angry and heartbroken. We looked into adoption but domestic adoption seemed to uncertain and international adoption was just breaking onto the scene. Pregnant women, baby showers and Mother's Days were stark reminders of my aching heart and empty arms.

Twelve years later God led us to pursue adoption. We submitted our application to Great Wall China Adoption (GWCA) on March 1, 2003, the day after we closed on our house. We soon learned about SARS and the impact it had on families waiting to travel to China. Even so, we "chased" our paperwork and excitedly submitted our dossier to GWCA. On Friday, August 8th the dossier was sent to China and registered on August 23rd. And so began the wait. I anxiously read the newspaper for anything that might impact our adoption. Thankfully, there was none. I joined several yahoo groups that pertained to adoption. The groups would burst with posts when the next batch of referrals were due. When would they arrive? What dates would they include? The referral news for March 2004 was both exciting and agonizing. Referrals had been sent for all dossiers registered for June 2003 and the first half of July 2003. Would the next batch be only the rest of July? Or through August 15? What would my daughter be like? How old was she? My mind was so fixated on the questions that I could hardly sleep.

Finally, on Thursday, April 8, 2004, I received "the call" while at home, off from work since I was due to work the following weekend. News about my daughter! She was born July 8, 2003 and resided in the Zhangye SWI in the Gansu province. Moments later I opened the email that contained pictures of Zhang Yu, the little girl that was to be our longed-for daughter, Samantha.

She's beautiful! I could hardly breathe. I gained my composure and starting calling and emailing at the same time. First, of course, was Jeff. He was teaching a training class. He broke the class early for lunch so he could come home to see her pictures. Mom didn't want me to email the pictures but instead came over to see them with me, bearing gifts of a flower and balloon. The rest of the day was a blur. My parents invited everyone to celebrate the news at a local Chinese restaurant. (Where else?)

The next two months were filled a flurry of activity and waiting, until our travel plans were set. My days as a non-Mom were about to be over. Then on Sunday, June 6th, my heart and arms ceased to ache from longing. Instead they were filled to overflowing as I held Samantha for the very first time.

In the almost four years since, motherhood has continued to include details not included in the fantasies of that little girl but many are even better than I could have ever imagined. I often wonder how I'm doing as a Mom and pray that the mistakes I make are far outweighed by the things I manage to get right. I find myself staring at Samantha, drinking in and memorizing all the details of her face and her beauty. She is such an amazing little girl. I'm so thankful and blessed that she is a part of my life and that she gave me my favorite name, Mommy.